In 1999 my boyfriend told me that I masturbate during the night. I couldn't believe what he was telling me, because I had no recollection of what he had described. He told me he didn't believe that I was sleeping. According to him it all happened to suspiciously to be asleep. And, unfortunately, his opinion didn't change till this day.

I thought I was going nuts, when he told me, and didn't know where to turn to. So I went to see my doctor. Maybe he had dealt with this or heard of this before. I told him what had happened, but he didn't see the 'problem.' He said that my boyfriend just had to accept it and that it wasn't my problem, but his. Hé was making too much of it. My doctor never heard of the disorder before, but according to him more strange things happen during sleep, right? And that was about all I got from him. No advice, no support, no help. So I left his practice sad, frustrated and empty-handed.

Then so many questions arose in my mind: "How long has this been going on? Why am I doing this? Why suspiciously? Are there more people with this disorder? How can I get rid of this? Who do I turn to? How can I 'prove' that I really don't recall a thing?" Since I didn’t have good experiences with past relationships, and I never learned to masturbate, I thought it could be psychological. So I went into therapy to look for answers. Fortunately I found a great psychologist/sexologist. Also she never heard of the disorder before, but from her I did get the support I so needed. She really was helping and thinking with me, looking for answers and solutions. Every week I went to talk to her and I still see her till this day.

My psychologist/sexologist told me about a sleep-institute, here in Holland, and suggested that I make an appointment with a neurologist there. So I did and my boyfriend and I went. The specialized sleep-neurologist never heard of the disorder before either, which made me feel even more alone. I was almost convinced that I was the only one in the world with this disorder. The neurologist wanted to make an EEG, to see if anything disturbing happens in my brain while I'm sleeping. I got all wired up and had to carry the EEG around for 24 hours. A couple of days later I got the results back: "nothing strange or disturbing happened." "Great", you would think. Well, not for me. I wished something would show up, so that would prove to my boyfriend I was telling him the truth. The neurologist suggested to make another EEG and so we did. But nothing came up again. Which maybe even confirmed my boyfriend's thoughts, about me being awake and being able to control it. Otherwise something would show up at the EEG, right? For the neurologist the case was closed and I was left empty-handed again.

He did suggest to start filming myself while sleeping. Maybe we could catch something on tape. And, maybe, I would stop with this behaviour if I would sub-consciously know I was being filmed. So, I bought a camera and started filming myself every night. While all of this was going on, I started looking on the Internet for more information as well. Unfortunately, it was hard to find anything about the subject. Very frustrating for me, because I needed confirmation that I wasn't the only one. So, as you can imagine, I was very relieved when I found the website of Michael Mangan. It was like a huge big stone rolling of my chest. The website also has a forum and I read all the stories of other sleepsexers. It comforted me to now that I wasn’t a freak and again, that I wasn’t alone. At that time I got very angry with the neurologist. Why didn’t he do any research to help me? That’s his job, isn’t it? So I wrote him a letter in which I explained my feelings and added information I found on the Internet and stories from the sleepsex.org website.

In the mean time I kept on searching for new methods, solutions, answers, ways to get rid of this disorder and evidence that I was really sleeping and telling the truth to my boyfriend. I had heard that somebody quit smoking by means of hypnosis, so I started to look for a hypnotist. Maybe he could hypnotize me and remove the ‘curse.’ I soon found out that, in Holland, they don't practice full hypnosis anymore, because of the possible harmful consequences. So I started with hypno-therapy. It wasn't close to my home, so I travelled up and down each week. After a few weeks still nothing had changed in my disturbing behaviour, so I stopped with the hypno-therapy. And again no answers. I wouldn't give up, but it was very frustrating to hit a brick wall over and over again. It took a long time when I finally found evidence on a tape. It was hard to find, because I was covered with a sheet at night time against the cold. And with a man it's much more clear and easier to see if he's masturbating. Women don't always need a lot of movement.
 
On this one tape the covers where off and an episode was going on. We already knew that I practice sleepsex, but it became a real fact that moment. Unfortunately, we were unable to decide if I was awake or asleep. And since that is the heart of our issue, which was still standing due to lack of 'proof' on the tape. So I decided I would stop filming myself, because it wouldn't get us anywhere anyway. But again: "What would I do next?"

I was getting so fed up with proving myself, taping myself, tiptoeing around each other, going to all these specialists, etc. After every fight my energy-level is getting lower, I lose more and more faith in our relationship, losing hope that it will work out again this time, getting more and more frustrated and feeling drained.

And of course I often am angry with my boyfriend, because I feel that I'm the only one fighting for our relationship. He doesn't support me in the things I do, because to him I'm aware of what I'm doing at night time. I can't talk about my anxieties and fears with him, because I know he doesn't believe me beforehand. Than I found the reply-letter from the neurologist, in which he reacted on the letter I had send him. He wrote that he found a new medicine for me to try out. I found some treatments on the Internet myself and wrote him back. Again I received a letter, in which he asked me to make a new appointment to see him personally. So I did and my boyfriend and I went. I was quit excited, because I got some hope again. A straw to hold on to. The neurologist wanted me to try out clonzapam. I got a prescription and started taking 0,5 mg every night before I went to bed. It looked all very good and as far as I know nothing happened. Our relationship took a great lift and we started to get our faith back.

Half a year later we had to go back to the neurologist to evaluate. There we agreed that I would half the dosage and see what would happen. 2 Weeks later an episode happened again. And a fight followed. I really thought that our relationship would end for real this time. We have had so many arguments and fights about this subject in the past years. So many times that we almost split up. It's an issue we will probably never agree on and is very hard to prove. And every time we fight about it, it destroys a bit of our relationship. We lose a bit of faith and trust in each other. Furthermore it’s very frustrating to have the same argument about the same subject over and over again, without even coming to an agreement. There is no grey area where we can compromise. Because how can I compromise when I don’t know even what I’m doing? It’s his word against mine. And it starts affecting every part of our relationship. He's thinking: "What else is she not telling me/hiding for me?" And I tiptoe around him, because I know he's suspicious/doesn't trust me. He's says he does in our daily life, but psychological it goes further with me. It became such a big issue in my mind, that I feel I have to prove everything to him. It becomes a vicious circle which is very hard to break. My boyfriend really wánts to believe me. But in the heat of the fight, there is only one solution for him. And that's for me to start telling the (his) truth. But hé believes, that I can't tell him the (his) truth, because I have been lying for such a long time, I can't turn back. Which isn't true at all, because I know I can tell him everything. Like I always say to him: "I rather he leaves knowing the truth (his truth in this case), then him leaving, thinking I destroyed our relationship on purpose."

It's not the masturbating itself that he has a problem with. It's the way it's being practiced… sneaky. I check if he is asleep or not. I turn over when I'm not sure. I stop when he moves. When he does tell me how things are happening, I change my behaviour/methods the next time. This makes him more suspicious again. Because if I really would be sleeping, why are things changing? But when the storm died down after a fight and we talk about it calmly, he does believe what I'm saying. He also sees what I all do to get answers, solutions and prove. That I never gave him any reason not to trust me. He sees my hurt, pain and frustration. It's just that when an episode is going on, everything we have talked about fades in his mind and he just has a hard time believing in me again. We were living apart, because of this issue, but with the last fight he decided to move in with me. He thinks it’s better to deal with it every day, rather then every weekend. I do agree with that, but some times it’s scary. Living with him is easy, but going to bed at night will always be a bit arduous. Every night I say a little prayer wishing we’ll wake up happy in the morning.

I stopped looking for ways to prove to him I’m telling the truth, since my boyfriend starts to think I’m trying to cover up something, instead of proving something. I increased the dosage of clonazepam to 0,5 mg per night again. And I'm keeping a check-list every day. On the list I keep score if anything happened the night before or not. If I’m having my period or not. How many milligrams of clonazepam I took. If I dreamed or not. Things like that. This forces us to talk about it every day. Communication is essential and that's what pulled us through every time. I strongly believe that if we didn't have such good communication and deep love for each other, we would have split up a long time ago.

Reasons we came up with why I practice sleepsex:

	Regularly I smoke a joint and maybe that triggers something off. So I stopped smoking, which is good anyway, but we can’t decide if that is helping or not. It doesn’t seem that when I didn't smoke it automatically doesn’t happen. I don’t practice sleepsex every night, which makes it harder to prove all of our thoughts again
	Like I wrote on my website: ‘Sleep sex is a dissociative state. Similar to multiple personalities. Asleep the sleepsexer is essentially a different person or may act very out of character with their waking personalities.’ Which could apply for me. I’m a very enthusiastic, open and honest person. Like an open book. But yet, when I practice sleepsex, I’m a very sneaky person
	Not such good experiences with past relationships. Mentally and sexually
	I have a history with parasomnias. I grind my teeth since my childhood

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Update (October 2003)
Update (November 2003)

The above story I wrote about 6 months ago. And at the ending of July my boyfriend and I split up (again.) I was devastated. I had given him an ‘ultimatum.’ I would leave for a weekend, in which he could think about if he could or couldn’t accept my sleepsex. That weekend came and when I came back home my ex-boyfriend told me that he could never accept it and would never believe I’m unaware of what’s going on. I couldn’t believe what he was saying and didn’t know what to do anymore. I was stunned. Up till then I still had hope for us. We had called each other, over the weekend I was away, and nothing indicated a break up. I told him, before I left, that whatever he would decide, I would accept and respect. And that’s what I did. For the first time I kept the promise to myself and picked up my bag, I took with me that weekend, and left to stay with friends. While I was gone, he had time to get his belongings together. The next day, he would call my friends to let them know when I could go back to my apartment.

I think I never felt so alone. I knew that nobody felt what I was feeling. Everyone was there for me, but still I felt very much alone. I have fought so hard. And than still my nightmare came true (again.) The day my ex left my apartment, I called my mom to come with me. I didn’t want to go to the apartment alone. I knew it would be so strange and sad. But when I left my friends house, I got the feeling I did have to go alone. That it would make me stronger and I had to go through it by myself in the end anyway. But it was so hard. It only increased my feelings of loneliness. I went through the whole apartment, crying. A lot went through my hands. I knew already, exactly what he would have forgotten. So I put those things together right away.

My dad left a message on my answering machine. That morning he had spoken to my ex-boyfriend and so my dad knew what was going on. He asked me to call him as soon as I heard his message. Later on I phoned him and he came immediately. So fantastic of him, because often he doesn’t know what to do or say in these situations. And it hurt him seeing me so hurt. My dad asked my ex-boyfriend if it was final this time, because we had split up a couple of times before. My ex-boyfriend didn’t give him an answer.  I find it very sweet of my dad to stand up for his ‘little girl.’

After my dad left I went to my moms. She found it all so difficult for me. She also had to endure a lot in the last 4 ½ years. I am her daughter and she had to watch and see what was all happening to me. Of course we have had many conversation in the last 4 ½ years, but I’m an adult and had to make my own decisions in the end. But she took good care of me and still does.

On the day my ex-boyfriend received the package I had sent him, with the belongings he forgot, he called. He wanted to know if I was ok. I had put a card in the package with a short message in which I said, I would appreciate if he would stay in contact. I never expected him to call, so I was surprised. But it all felt different this time. It felt more final. I was so sad and cried so much. I didn’t feel like working at all, but I’m glad I resumed my work immediately (the same night my ex-boyfriend left, I started working again.) And we had planned a holiday, our first holiday together.
 
Fortunately a good friend of mine is tour manager and was working abroad at that moment. So I decided to still go on holiday. I didn’t feel like it at all, but knew I had to go. I could stay with my friend. Nice and cheap and good to have my friend around. But ohhh, did I dread the day of leaving. If I could have stayed at home languishing on the couch, I would have chosen that. But fortunately my ex-boyfriend was right about one thing: I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.

Before I went on holiday we had spoken on the phone to each other a couple of times. In those conversations my ex-boyfriend told me he regretted his decision. That he made a big mistake by letting me go. He said he missed me a lot and did a lot of thinking. And he came to the conclusion that he could accept the sleepsex. I told him that I didn’t want to share my life with a man who only accepted it. That wasn’t good enough anymore. I want to share my life with someone who believes, supports and trusts me. And this time around I couldn’t believe his words anymore. I had a hard time believing that someone had seen ‘the light’, after 4 ½ years of firm conviction and after thinking about it for a whole weekend and being very sure of his conclusion. If that was really possible, I have been a fool to put up with it for 4 ½ years. Then I should have chosen myself right at the first time we broke up. Maybe I should have anyway, but that’s a different story again… 

The holiday did me a lot of good. Like I said, I didn’t feel like it at all. But when I arrived, I hád to be cheerful a bit, because I didn’t want to spoil my friends time either. And so the first couple of days I had to struggle a lot, but it became easier as time went by and I had to ‘act’ less and less. For a short time no memories around me. Only sun, beach and the blue ocean. That does bring a human round a bit. And my friend with me who I trust completely. Well, the combination for a good outcome. When I arrived back in Holland I was thrown back into reality. But I knew I couldn’t go on with my ex-boyfriend anymore. This time was final. This time I couldn’t do it anymore. This time I didn’t have the energy or the faith anymore.

A couple of days after I came back from my holiday, I received a sms/text message from my ex-boyfriend, saying he preferred not to have contact anymore. It was too difficult for him. So also that I have respected and accepted. And now I agree with him. Contact makes it more difficult to move on with my life again. I’m doing good right now and have hope for the future again. Have hope for myself again. I created new goals for my life. I decided to go travelling for a year. When I came back from my holiday I had such an itch to go away again. And it kept on itching. And I think it’s the best thing for me to do. I need new surroundings, new people and a while on my own.

Over the last months I’m became more and more convinced that I’m worth meeting a man (one day) who fights as hard for me as I will for him. But for now I want to stay alone. So many things I have to sort out with myself first. Now I’m alone, nobody stands in my way to speed things up with my + 4 year therapy. So many things I have learned, but didn’t feel. And it becomes time for that. Time to do something about my self-confidence, my insecurities. Time to start appreciating myself. And I still have a long way to go. I have become so insecure (and wasn’t even really secure when I met my ex-boyfriend) about so many things, that I’m out of balance quick and value other people opinions to much. And as long as I don’t change that, people can easily take advantage of me. So now is the right time to actually do something about that. And I think the travelling will help a lot too. I’m quite relieved and happy to be single again. And maybe that’s understandable after reading my story. No more stress or tiptoeing and I can go to bed without worrying. I can walk with my head up again and I don’t have to avoid eye contact. Nobody to consider or answer to. I don’t have to ‘proof’ anything anymore. And the thought that my ex-boyfriend didn’t believe/trust me, destroyed me piece by piece.

Despite all, I wish my ex-boyfriend all the best and hope he’ll be happy soon again. Loving someone is also being able to let go. And I know he didn’t do any of this on purpose and he didn’t want us to break up either. We have shared a lot and made some very good memories. I have learned a lot from him, and I will always be grateful for that. I don’t blame him or am angry with him, I just know we don’t have a future as a couple anymore. It will be great for a while, but I’m to afraid we fall back into our old routine and we’ll start making each other unhappy again. And that’s not what he or I need anymore. I don’t want to ‘destroy’ myself again. Fortunately I still have enough self-worth for that. But hopefully one day we will have some kind of contact again. He is and always will be a part of my future and past. Sleepsex will always be a big part of my life too, but I have to start accepting that I suffer from it and that there is nothing I can do to make it go away. I didn’t ask for it and so I have to stop feeling a victim. I have to see it as a part of me.

And that was the end of my sleepsex story. I had to learn my lesson hard. But I know now that I never could have convinced my ex-boyfriend. That there is nothing I could have done anymore. But I will never accept a man in my life again who doesn’t trust, support and believes me for the full 100%. I will never fight this battle again, because I have done that long enough and it is time to fight for myself. Recently my story was published in a magazine here in Holland. I will keep fighting to make sleepsex more public, not so much for myself anymore, but for all the others who suffer from it. And there is only one thing I can say to sleepsexers, who are not believed… get out of the victim roll, choose yourself, because somebody who doesn’t believe you, you can never ever convince. To be continued…  

I would like to thank everybody for their sweet and supportive reactions on my story. And in particular I would like to thank my dear friends and my mom for their support. Without them I probably wouldn’t have come this far. They help me focus, when I can’t see the road very clearly anymore.

And for that I’m grateful!

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Update (November 2006)

I'm sorry it took me so long to get in touch again. 3 years have passed. 3 Years in which a lot has happened and I’m not the person anymore who wrote the above stories.

In April 2004 I went to Australia to go backpacking for a year. I’ve travelled through Ozzy in my own car for 9 months. I drove from Sydney to the Northern Cairns, from there through the outback via Darwin to Adelaide. Then via Melbourne back to Sydney. After Australia I’ve travelled through New Zealand for 6 weeks. And the last stretch of my year I spent in Asia. There I experienced the culture of Thailand and Cambodia. Those 2 countries left a deep impression on me and put my life in real perspective. The whole journey has been such a great experience, one I can never describe and so I won’t even try.

Like I said I’m not the person anymore who wrote the above stories. Sleepsex isn’t a big part of my life anymore and I don’t even know if I still suffer from it or not (I’m still a happy single.) During my world trip I spent most of my nights in hostels, where I shared my room with 6 to 9 other females. From that you can conclude how much sleepsex still influences/controls my life these days… little. The ignorance and judgement from others doesn’t appeal to me anymore. But I still spent a lot of attention to the subject sleepsex itself and I still try to make it more public/known (therefore also this new website and forum.) And recently I had an interview by phone with a Canadian journalist, who will write an article about it. 

Of course I have thought often about my stormy relationship, sleepsex and how I stand/stood in my own life in the past 3 years. And when I read the above stories again, I sometimes can’t believe how I could have been so soft, mild and fair with my ex. That I have put up with so much and fought so hard to save our relationship, while he didn’t want to co-operate at all. That I even protected and parted with him. Till this day I wish him only the best things of life… I can only see how insecure I was myself.

But fortunately there is not much left of that person. Because of all my experiences over the past 3 years, I have grown out to an independent, secure, social, attractive, still young and sweet woman, in which my travels have the biggest share. Living and working abroad have strengthened my creativity, personality, judgement of human nature and communicative skills even more. Taking care of myself completely in a country that is unknown to me, learning to trust my instinct (!) and learning to promote myself have made many of my insecurities fade away. In short… my self esteem ended up on a healthy level and my life in calmer waters.

How hard it may have been, I’m happy sleepsex happened to me. I have learned a lot from it and being able to help others now gives me back so much. My thoughts go out to all the people that also suffer from sleepsex. Support, a listening ear and understanding they can always find with me (email me.)

With love.

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